Talk about the Greatest Invention ever. Last week, after Citicards informed me my account information was compromised, again, I had to find a better way to keep my bling safe.
I’m talking about something so ingenious that not only can a thief not compromise it, not only can a robber not find it, but so friggen sweet that even if a thief knew where the cash was and how to get it, the thought might repulse them so much they won’t touch it.
I’m talking about the amazing creation found here, “The Brief Safe”. For the small fee of only twenty bucks, you too can get your hands on the greatest invention since the Swim Noodle, not that you’ll really want to actually put your hands on it.
Made of 100% pure cotton and sewed with 100% polyester thread, these duds are styling. I will admit that they were a little uncomfortable at first, but soon you’ll really fall for that snug fit. A totally awesome added bonus is that the valuables are stored in the front, which makes my package look totally huge. And there’s no more satisfying feeling in the world than buying something with cash that is soaked with ball sweat.
An added bonus to the safe is the tangy smelling “Poo Drops” accessory, which, just like advertised, Smells Like Crap. And we’re not talking about a little whiff of 5 year old girl turd, we’re talking full out, all nighter, Tequila and Taco Bell action here. A scent that only a Port-O-Potty repair man could love. Personally, I like to distill my own, but buying the bottle is more convenient.
So people, it’s time to start moving our money to a more secure location. No worries of ID theft, of accounts being frozen or worrying about the veracity of large corporations. I can assure that while there might be some cooking going on with the “Brief Safe”, it’s definitely not the books.
Posts
